There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
