New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
