some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
