im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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