cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The struggles of a small town man whore
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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