I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
