On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
