So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
