You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
