I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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