by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
