Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
