No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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