My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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