are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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