haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
