i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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