Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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