I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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