so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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