So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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