Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
