So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
