So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
