Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need help removing her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
