Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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