The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
