Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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