were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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