from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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