so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
