I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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