god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
