K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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