at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
