I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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