Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
