He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
