After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
