Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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