nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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