it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
