quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
