okay pat passed out under dana's car
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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