You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
