my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
