At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
