I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
