chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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