the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
