My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
